13 Unexpected Side Effects of Motherhood

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Ch-ch-ch-changes

I learn something new about being a mom every day, it seems!

  1. You sometimes (translated = ALL THE TIME) find yourself going to the bathroom with the door open, and you have absolutely no qualms about relieving yourself in front of anyone anymore.
  2. You can carry on three simultaneous conversations while washing dishes, making dinner and planning out the next few steps on your conquest/world domination plan.
  3. You sneak in a cat nap during every single movie you go to, even the ones with your kid (or kids). It doesn’t even matter if it’s the most stressful, intense movie that’s ever been made, either. If you’re in a dark room in the middle of the day, YOU WILL FALL ASLEEP.
  4. You learn to accept that, on any given day and at any given time, you’re guaranteed to have some combination of dried crust on your clothes comprised of bits of snot, food or other bodily functions.
  5. Speaking of bodily functions, you’re no longer grossed out by them. And yes, I’m talking about NUMBER TWO. One ceases to be disgusted by it after a baby goes through the “poop is so much fun to play with!” phase, or after the umpteenth time you’re forced to rescue a toy that has been gleefully dropped into a turd-filled toilet (and it’s ALWAYS filled with turds when this happens).
  6. You start separating all of your black leggings (because at some point they became surgically attached to your lower half) into categories for “public leggings” and “private leggings.”
  7. You realize that on some days, combing your hair and (maybe) putting on a bra are the best you’re gonna do, and you know what? You’re totally fine with that.
  8. You 100% understand the haunted looks you see on the faces of parents with newborns when you see them moving slowly, zombie-like, as they push their carts around Target.
  9. Speaking of Target, one day you find yourself wistfully strolling down the diaper section, trying to remember the last time you bought a box of diapers, and wondering if you knew then that it would be the last time.
  10. You seriously consider contributing to the Kickstarter where someone is trying to invent a time machine, just so you can go back in time to hold your little one’s tiny baby body one more time.
  11. You automatically respond with either “Yes” or “Ask daddy” whenever you hear a child say, “Mama” or “Mom,” and seriously, half the time it’s not even your kid.
  12. You come to expect that every ice cream cone or piece of chocolate or cookie will have to be shared, so sometimes (again, ALL THE TIME), you hide in rooms when you want a sweet treat all to yourself.
  13. You consider it a personal victory when everyone (including yourself) is bathed and in their pajamas by 7 p.m.

    OK, 6:30.

Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,

Karen

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